Arriving At Your Own Door

Ok. So I stole the title from a book by Jon Kabat Zinn. It just so happens that mindfulness, which as we all know is a) a Zen buddhist concept, and b) easier said than done. Having recently gone back into counseling with the aim of fixing things in my life, it turned out the problem had something to do with me. Amazing! I was sure it was my husband or my hormones, or some lethal combination of the two.

Turns out, even though a lot of things were going well- I wasn't seeing them. I could see problems with the accuracy of an American Bald Eagle at a half mile altitude honing in on its prey. When there's goodness around me- as in every moment, I find that my focus on happiness soon blurs into regret, nostalgia, resentment, guilt, sadness and a whole host of other neurotic attempts to not be here now.

So at the moment, I'm actually spending time here. Now. It's a weird, wonderful, unfamiliar place to be. There's nothing to do here, no one to fix, and in place of the many legitimate and superfluous distractions I might otherwise engage in, there's often stillness.

It doesn't look like the busyness and oh-look-at-all-she-does- she's-so-productive life I had resolutely decided to create for 2010. Nope. This is a life where I listen, chop wood, and carry a laptop. Right now I'm writing to you- there's nothing else going on. Nirvana.